"...but i will sing of Your strength;
i will sing aloud of Your steadfast love in the morning.
for You have been to me a fortress and a refuge
in the day of my distress..."
psalms 59: 16
"...the Lord is my strength and my shield;
in Him my heart trusts;
and i am helped..."
"...for You equipped me with strength for the battle..."
"...on the day i called, You answered me;
my strength of soul You increased..."
"...i love you, o Lord, my strength..."
"...He is the one who gives power and strength to His people..."
"...o my Strength, I will watch for you,
for You, o God, are my fortress..."
True confessions...Since Colby's diagnosis, people with good heart intentions of encouragement have told me how strong we are. Honestly, I am not strong. In fact, I am quite the opposite...I am weak, self serving and trying to figure it out while coddling a stubborn unforgiving heart. My problem...my pride came in thinking I was strong and relishing when people told me how super womanish I was (newsflash: she does not exist in real life.) Then God gave me a precious gift--He allowed me to walk through cancer with Colby where He showed me where true lasting strength lies.
I wish I can say those raw emotions of the first few days are the same now as we near the end of treatment. I wish I can say that I don't take things for granted now. I wish I can say I can say I have been loving and kind and patient and...and... (fill in the blanks with the fruits of the Spirit) since September. Truth is, I have gotten a little comfortable in the valley...you know, nestled in...hunkered down...gone into survival mode. I've yelled at the kids, rolled my eyes (amongst other things) at Mr. White, been impatient in the grocery store line and still struggle to allow God to warm the coldest areas of my heart.
I've always wondered how the Israelites of the Old Testament could continually turn their backs on God and worship idols after they were firsthand eyewitnesses to God's miracles. "Part a sea for me and I'll believe. No prob." I've always thought. But here I sit, reflecting on how eight months ago, all I wanted to do was inhale His word and promises while realizing how weak and not in control I really am. Yet, now I am beginning to see myself trying to save myself again. And that is so contrary to how I want to be.
I want to be able to walk through the valley (because there are always valleys, yes) with Him and have my breath taken away by His grace, love and mercy just as if I was on a mountaintop. I want to see the beauty in this journey...through the throw up, sleep deprived days, inconveniences, fears and tears...and always have it in forefront of my brain. I want to be an encourager like those who endlessly encouraged us. Colby's cancer has been an altar building experience for my little-big family. We are laying our stones to remember but are so so ready to move on the next chapter in our book should God choose.
(to be continued...)